Gardens and Butterflies
by theCatandtheCow
Summary: The entire garden flourished with a multitude of colors, it once being the pride and joy of Tsuzuki Asato, but now as he gazed forlornly upon it… something wasn’t right. Something was missing. Rated for Character DeathAngstSuicidal Contemplation.


The silence was most disturbing. The kind of silence that makes you feel as if someone were watching you, where you could hear every little sound and think that you could only crush it and it would cease. Forever. That kind of silence let you know how much control and power you really wielded, and that scares you. Well, it scares Tsuzuki Asato that is… 

Dark, vacant pools of amethyst stared blankly at the scene before them. A beautiful little garden, containing almost every flower ever imagined. Lilies to lilacs, orchids to peonies, chrysanthemums to carnations, and so on. The entire garden flourished with a multitude of colors, it once being the pride and joy of Tsuzuki Asato, but now as he gazed forlornly upon it… something wasn't right. Something was missing.

Yes, that was it, the violet eyes lit up with discovery, something was missing and that's what prevented it's true beauty from emerging. But what was missing? Slumping backwards, Tsuzuki let out a groan of irritation, now gazing skyward. It was such a contrast, the sky and his garden. The sky was only one color, blue, it rarely had any other color unless it was cloudy, dawn, or dusk. Even so, nothing compared with his flowers. Or so he'd like to think.

Releasing a sigh, Tsuzuki was suddenly very aware of how quiet it was. He shuddered, then propped himself up with his hands and looked around. No one was in the backyard, except for himself, which seemed to bring a faint eerie feeling upon the man. It didn't sound as if anyone was in the apartment building either.

_It's too quiet!_ he whined in his thoughts, pouting slightly, _Why? Why is it so quiet?_ When his silent question went unanswered, he hoisted himself off the soft ground and began to dust off his pants. Eyeing his apartment building for a brief moment, a sad look entered normally bright and peppy optics. Their gaze traveled to the heavens once more. _What am I missing?_

* * *

The light was most disturbing. The light that reveals everything the darkness shields. Secrets, terrors, and past memories that would rather not be unearthed, they're all visible when the light's turned on. Everyone can see what you desperately attempt to hide, but it's pointless. Because there's always someone who can see right through you. That can be rather unnerving.

With a contemplative frown etched into his lightly tanned face, Tsuzuki glanced between the multitude of sweets before him. He had been looking forward to this, his lunch hour. Now was when he could happily eat his sweets and taste each one's unique flavor and sample their delectable fruit and cream fillings. The light, fluffiness of each treat could be overwhelming at times, but Tsuzuki loved it anyway. And right now he had almost every sweet known to man.

Apple pies to coffee cake, cookies to candy, ice cream to doughnuts, and so on. The list was endless! Yet, something wasn't right. Tsuzuki still wore the frown as his amethyst optics darted from each pastry to the other. Something was missing. Scratching his chin thoughtfully, he couldn't help but find a connection. There had been something missing in his garden, and now his desserts? Now that he thought about though, something had been missing from those sweets for a while now.

_I don't understand._ he pondered, squinting as the bright light from above caused slight irritation, _Why is it so bright?_ He had half a mind to go over and turn the light off. It wasn't as if it was needed, there was plenty of light coming in through the window in front of him. But something told him not to, so he did nothing but stare at his sweets. _What am I missing?_

This was beginning to annoy the man, how could he have so long without noticing that he didn't have something and suddenly be distraught without knowing? It wasn't a big deal anyway, he had missed a lot of things in both life and death. He'd missed out on a normal childhood, he'd missed out on humanity, he'd missed the chance to move on, he'd missed having a steady partner, he was now missing something in his garden and something in his dessert. And it was driving him up a wall! Tsuzuki subconsciously clawed at his hair while thinking about this, pulling at it in frustration. The light touch on his shoulder sent him jumping nearly five feet.

"W-what?" Amethyst eyes blinked in confusion as they took in the intruder, "Tatsumi?"

The man towering over him looked down on him with slight worry in his cobalt eyes, "I think you'd better get some rest Tsuzuki-san, you don't look well."

A few more blinks, "Oh, right. Okay. Bye, Tatsumi."

* * *

It never occurred to him how frightening his home could be. How the dark, cold, and alone seemed to follow him with every step within that apartment room. The mocking laughter ringing in his ears even when there was no one to cause said disturbance. He shuddered, standing in the doorway and watching the shadows of his room sway and inch their way towards him with wary gaze.

There was a puddle of blood on his floor. He knew it. He could smell the bitter, metallic odor that wafted up from it. Eyes widened in fear of what had happened, who had he killed this time? It was always that way, it would never change. No matter how hard he tried to protect someone, they would always die or end up leaving him in the end. This would be no different, he was a fool for thinking otherwise.

_Baka._ For some reason, the word reverberated through his mind, causing him to cry out in emotional turmoil. Spinning around, Tsuzuki fled the offending room and moved swiftly down the hall. When reaching the elevator, he stopped, panting and then proceeded to teleport. A trip to the living world might do him some good. Get his mind off all that blood.

Great, now he was lost. He was never good with directions and always ended up lost. He wondered faintly why someone never came to find him. _Is a black lamb such as yourself worth finding? _Releasing a small whimper of rejection, he collapsed upon a bench in a park in Nagasaki.

With dull gaze he took in the area surrounding him. It was spring, so it was fairly beautiful in the city. The flowers were in bloom, no comparison with his garden, and the sakura were pink and drifting down from the tree boughs above like snow. A pink snow. The laughter of children filled the air as they ran and played at the nearby playground, Tsuzuki smiled sadly at the bittersweet moment. The scents of floral arrangements and baked goods were everywhere as people walked along the sidewalk to do their business. His eyes slid shut as he basked in the warmth and merriment surrounding him.

It was hours later that his eyes opened once more, only to find himself lost in the pitch black of night. Well, not entirely pitch black, a few street lamps provided light as did the stars and crescent moon above. Rubbing sleepily at his tired amethyst optics, Tsuzuki contemplated on how much time had passed. He could faintly recall wanting to escape his apartment room, so he wasn't entirely set on going back there yet.

The sound of children had long since passed and only the scent of flowers remained. Their beauty hidden beneath the cloak of darkness and the baked goods had turned in for the night. The streets were nearly bare and the sense of loneliness washed over him again, reminding him that he was missing something.

The apartment was still empty and dark and cold. But at least the blood was gone. That was all that mattered. Collapsing upon his mattress, still fully clothed, he sighed in a mixture of exhaustion, relief, and despair. _Too much… it's too much…_ Tsuzuki's eyes glazed over in contemplative thought, _Why don't I just die and get it over with? There's nothing anymore._

_Baka._ He rolled over and stifled his sobs in his pillow. He hated this job, he hated his life. Why didn't they just let him die! Instead of killing all those people and leaving him feeling empty. He hated it. Killing innocents, feeling guilty, and then, shortly after, nothing. He was tired. Oh, so tired. Moving on seemed like a good idea. Yet… something told him not to…

Gasping for breath, amethyst optics flashed open. Fear resided within them, the images of the forbidden nightmare plaguing his thoughts and vision. He tried to calm himself, but the guilt was overwhelming and he couldn't. Shaking with sobs, Tsuzuki curled up into a tight ball and cried. He cried and cursed himself for ever coming into this world. Everyone would be better off if he didn't exist.

Blood stained roses. The source of his nightmares. This was why the only flower he left out of his garden were the roses, because he wanted them to be pretty. But in order for roses to be pretty, they had to die as buds. They had to be murdered.

"No!" Tsuzuki shot up in bed, "No! I don't want to kill anymore! I don't!"

_You will always kill… you can't change that… murderer._ The voice within his mind teased him, pouring poison in his ears. Shielding them from nothing, Tsuzuki screamed in vain for them to cease, but they continued and were more hurtful. _Monster, you're a inhuman murderer. Everyone who comes close to you dies. They all do and they all will. Filthy, worthless, murderer._

His screams had faded into whispers, "No. No. No. No." And then they stopped.

* * *

_"Baka."_

_Startled out of his reverie, Tsuzuki looked up to have his amethyst pools stare into intense emerald. A multitude of different emotions welled with those eyes; fear, concern, anger, annoyance, worry, and maybe slight affection? Tsuzuki blinked, unsure if what his mind was telling him. Affection? For him? Who would ever love or care for someone as inhuman as he._

_"Where have you been? I've been looking all over for you!" the owner of the green eyes spoke in an angered tone, slightly challenging the man. "You're left alone for what? Half an hour, and you get yourself lost! You're really hopeless."_

_Tsuzuki was amused by this, the teen before him was speaking as if he were the older and wiser of the two. Maybe he was the latter, but with the man up near a hundred years of age? He believed he surpassed the kid in age by a long-shot, even if he only appeared twenty-six._

_"Don't run off like that okay? Or… be all stupid like you usually are…" the tone had softened some, the anger fading fast in both his voice and eyes._

_Tsuzuki smiled sadly at the boy, "I'm sorry." That was all he could say._

_"Do you have any idea what time it is? You had me worried, and for nothing, baka." Tsuzuki's eyes had to be playing tricks on him, the boy before him looked on the verge of tears now. "Why would you go out and not tell me? I was worried… and-and scared that you might've left me… even if you promised you wouldn't… you never had a knack for keeping promises, you know…"_

_He blinked stupidly at the boy who was now crying, he didn't understand how he could mean so much to someone. How had he done it?_

_This thought was thrown away as hot flames engulfed the both of them. Tsuzuki watched as they tumbled into the grasp of fire. He tried to call out, to at least save the boy, but the closer he thought he was getting, the farther he would move away._

_"Tsuzuki..."_

* * *

_  
_The sun was now shining, the events of the night now fleeting memories. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, Tsuzuki concentrated on his more recent dream. The one with the fire and the boy, this one had been occurring more often now. The boy was so familiar, yet he couldn't remember him at all. Why not?

"Are you what I'm missing?" he asked aloud in a tiny whisper, not expecting any answer. He didn't receive one anyway.

Darkness, engulfing pain, piercing agony. No light, everything dark. Hard to breath, please help. Can't see. The dark scares me. Help. Flames, licking at skin. Burning everything away. Everything away. So painful, it hurts. It won't stop. It keeps burning. Burning. Scared. Alone. Dark. Pain. Fire. Burning. Smoke. Drowning. Silver. Red. Moon. Sakura. Violet. Green. Black. White. Kill. Scared. Don't go. Tsuzuki.

The door was locked. The one to the infirmary, it had been locked for a while now. The only ones allowed in were Watari and, on occasion, Tatsumi. Tsuzuki was not permitted to enter. He didn't know either. He didn't know a lot of things that had been going on, but people were definitely acting strange. Tatsumi was always asking him if he remembered or was alright and whatnot. Watari wasn't in his lab as much, he spent most of his time in the infirmary. The chief hadn't sent him on a mission in a loooong time. In fact, he couldn't even remember his last mission? He assumed it was because he was partner less at the moment. But there was something more.

"What is it?" he grumbled under his breath and staring out the window. "What am I missing?"

Outside amid the pink blossoms of the sakura, a lone violet and red tinged butterfly sat in wait. Tsuzuki found himself enamored with it and proceeded to waste his time by observing it. It didn't do much, just fluttered it's wings occasionally. A second butterfly came to join it some time later, a green one. Tsuzuki smiled at it, green was such a beautiful color, one of his favorites.

The violet butterfly rose from it's position on the window sill and flew to the green one's side. He observed the pair of beautiful insects, looking on longingly, wishing that there were someone for him out there. But then, who could love a demon?

* * *

He was there again, in his garden, gazing at the multitude of flowers all arranged in intricate patterns with their luminous colors washing over him. Tsuzuki breathed in the fresh aromas that the petals produced, reveling in the warmth of the sun that splashed on his lightly tanned skin.

Violet optics were trained on a particular spot amid the flowers, a small grave carved from smooth marble. Etched upon it were words that he didn't understand, but he wanted to.

_In loving memory of Hisoka Kurosaki._

Tsuzuki didn't understand why this was in his garden, no matter how many times he looked at it, no recognition came with the name. It was as if he had trained himself to forget. If anything though, he knew that the owner of that name had meant a lot to him. If he meant a lot to him, then why was he dead now?

"I miss you." he whispered unto the wind, desperate for some reply from a hidden deity.

Before he rose and left the silent garden and the aromas and the warmth, he swore that he heard the wind whisper back: _"I miss you too."_

Turning once more to face the garden, Tsuzuki smiled tenderly at it, as if the one he longed to see was there before him. Maybe there was some hope after all.

_Owari_

* * *

A/N: Kind of confusing, yeah I know, most of my stories are. In a nutshell, Hisoka died, Tsuzuki made himself forget to spare himself the pain of thinking that he killed him, but now Tsuzuki wants to remember. I'm thinking about doing a follow-up for this, like making it have chapters and what-not, describing how Hisoka died and what becomes of Tsuzuki. Not sure though, it depends on my creative spirit. -waves flag- Yay creative spirit! 


End file.
